Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
