So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
