I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
