No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize