Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
