why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize