His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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