so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
