So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
