the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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