I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I understand Curling. That high.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He shit in the fireplace
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
