I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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