I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I didn't notice because vodka
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
