One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize