it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
