i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
