Pappa wants mamma naked
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
