Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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