I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
