Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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