Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
