I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
