My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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