I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
