remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
