dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
