Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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