May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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