You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
