We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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