I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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