What a fucking waste of an outfit
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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