I'm lost and stupid without you.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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