I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
not ubering you a puppy
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