sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
