I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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