She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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