I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Green mimosas i think yes
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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