the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
