I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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