ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize