i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
