I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
