I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
