I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
