It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
