It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
