got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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