Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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