this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
