as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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