I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
