You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
