I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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