also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
