I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im holly from the hills drunk
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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