another moral hangover. fuck.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
