Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
