did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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