In the future we'll all be gay
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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