dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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