So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
