also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
