My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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