it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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