he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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