YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
