Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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