I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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